The Mail's digital drivel and me

Linda Kelsey’s hair is going grey. At 56 that’s hardly surprising. More perplexing is that the author and ex-Cosmopolitan editor is chronicling it weekly. And that her hysterical headlines (“Every woman’s greatest fear”… err, so we’ve found a cure for cancer then?) are being encouraged on the UK’s most popular newspaper website: the Mail Online.

OK, you’re right. There’s no real shock that the DMGT media group considers such intellectual inanity suitable fodder for its female audience. What’s more distressing is that I know about it firsthand. Shameful though it is, I can’t go a day without logging on for a fix of the Mail’s digital drivel.

Ms Kelsey has an excuse. She can blame the degeneration of her professional pride on her diminishing, pigment-producing melanocytes. She’s threatening to chart her traumatic journey over the course of a year. One can only imagine the tears of laughter all the way to the bank as she files her latest instalment of vacuous prose. Three down, 49 to go. No worries about how she’s going to fund her £1,000 a year tints in the future, then.

I have no defence. Like many addictions, my dalliance with the Daily Mail started as a legitimate habit that got out of control. Around 15 years ago I was features editor of CHIC, a newsstand glossy targeting mid-40 middle-class, Middle England women. To gain insights into the psyche of its home-counties, HRT-charged audience, Femail was my default research tool.

Back then, the newspaper was only available in print. Thanks to my role I could read it openly at my desk without attracting scorn or vilification. And when - with no marketing budget and Joan Collins on the cover - CHIC stumbled towards its inevitable demise, I determined to banish the Mail from my life forever.

Then along came the Internet – and my rapid and utter regression.

‘Stories’ that would have been spiked by the editor’s red pen, now have a boundless arena in which to flourish and follow up. “Alex Curran wears leopard-print shorts”; “Katie Holmes looks miserable and thin”; Kerry Katona scoffs burgers and ice-cream”; “Katie Holmes looks miserable, thin and she’s got a spot”. And I follow them all.

At least I’m not one of the shadowy underclass not only reading such nonsense, but posting responses that pop up with the rapidity of Katie Holmes’ acne. Linda Kelsey’s “bravery” at revealing her grey roots has provoked a global outpouring of empathy. However one of two voices of reason that suggest she should “get a life”.

If I were stronger I would follow their advice, ditch dailymail.co.uk and get a life too. But I’ve heard a rumour that Coleen Rooney is on holiday and she’s wearing a different bikini. And Ulrika Jonsson’s has leaked the truth about her adult incontinence. I can hardly contain myself…